What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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