Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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