Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
