So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
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