im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
