Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
