it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
