I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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