You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
