Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
my liver is dry heaving
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
