Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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