Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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