How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
