Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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