You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
