My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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