I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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