It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
