So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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