Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
