I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
