i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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