Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
