Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
