My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
