So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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