I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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