i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
