I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
