Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
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