I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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