I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
