i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
