I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
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