I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My balls are so social today.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
