Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
