Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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