life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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