You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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