I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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