when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
