Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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