If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
