I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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