cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Randomize
