Please, let me fuck your mom
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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