Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
