Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
