Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
