Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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