he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
