apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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