You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize