Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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